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Family & Relationships

Family

This not about giving advice on child-rearing or discipline; it is about education around perception of what a child is, because that’s how it will be treated, so if one perceives a child as anything but #3 they need to think again. Think also about how you are perceived by your parents and it will tell you right away what needs to change.

  1. Thing
  2. Possession
  3. Fellow human being

Children come into this world filled with one thing: the curious wonder rooted of unconditional love. If you’re curious enough to pay attention you will feel that love heal your own hurts by just watching them and allowing that love in while they sleep, cuddle or play. All they require from the parent(s) is guidance in coming into their full potential; they are not here be enslaved or exploited to serve the clan’s demands or for a parent to live vicariously through them.

Every individual on the planet has their own unique soul lessons to learn and life to experience on this planet and it’s no one’s place to interfere, children, parents, siblings included. Human beings are an evolving species and if we can allow each other their personal space to be themselves our civilization can advanced more harmoniously. The job of parents and older siblings is to guide young ones on the best path possible toward self-love, self-care and self-sustainability.

The family dynamic

The first experience of life we have on Earth involves specific individuals, whether we are born into our own lineage or removed and placed into another one for whatever reason. In this arena we comply to our ancestral culture by choice or by force, depending on the cultural rigidity or we rebel and create our own hybrid family dynamic.

Either way, we come together at some point in our new timeline to create our own image of what family means to us, and then let our children do the same.

Some people are comfortable following in their father’s or mother’s footsteps because it works for them and doesn’t create waves. Others are more independent thinkers and choose to deviate from their familial path for a more detached lifestyle rather than a close-knit one.

First contact

What is/was your first thought(s) when you first laid eyes on your child?

  1. He/she’s the most beautiful baby in the world.
  2. I can’t wait to show him/her off.
  3. He/she is a new person in this world. I wonder what he/she will be like and what he/she will think.
  4. Well, there’s another mouth to feed.
  5. He/she looks like so-and-so.
  6. I wonder who will raise him/her now (if adopted out).

My first thought when I saw my son was #3. I wanted to get to know him and learn what he thought and liked without it being imposed on him, like it was on me. I wanted him to be a free thinker with a mind of his own and some experiential guidance from me, and I hoped he could learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them. As it was he did have to learn some tough things for himself, which was hard to watch, but I kept my interference to a minimum. As well, he did pick up some bad habits and biases from other relatives and his peers. At the same time he is one of the most genuine persons I know, and very outspoken about his likes and dislikes.

Parental ties that bind

In becoming our authentic self, the emotional cords from childhood can be very strong and hard to break away from, hence years of therapy spent trying to severe those archaic bonds. What makes it worse is all of the judgement and guilt that family members try to place on one member in effort to maintain control of false appearances. Too often there is misplaced loyalty with blood relatives and by that I mean skewed, absurd and wrong. Our first loyalty once we leave our parents’ home is to our self, which is something that should be taught before we leave.

Like any other co-dependent relationship, the one between parent and child is mutual and starts with a parent who projects their needs onto the child. It can be a real tangled mess of emotional cords as a mother seeks love by manipulating their child through feigned helplessness or unreasonable requests. On the other side, some hover to place too much attention on a child that they are not able to care for themselves in a mature way once they grow into adulthood.

There is nothing wrong with spoiling your child out of love, or wanting to give them every opportunity you never had, but there are aspects of their own world within themselves that must be respected at the same time.

Only children & siblings unrivalled

Only children have the advantage of getting all the attention for themselves and picking their own playmates who are the same. They are often closer to their parent(s) as they spend more time around adults and tend to have a clearer sense of self.

Most often, multiple children fight for attention and are forced to play together no matter the age difference. Usually the eldest child becomes the ‘second or third parent’ depending on whether it’s a single- to two-parent environment, which can make for a sense of over-responsibility in their character. They can lose their sense of self early on if they are constantly looking out for the younger children, especially if both parents work outside the home.

You are not your parents

If, while growing up you clearly see that the life your parents have is not the one you want for yourself, it’s best to not conform just to please them. For example, if you conform to the idea of marriage before you are ready, the complications that result from living a lie can be brutal. Never feel guilty for choosing your own path to be married or not and in your own time – true love will come sooner when you live from your own truth. Same goes for choosing a career; you don’t have to know what you want to be at any point in your life, because perhaps it hasn’t been conceived of yet.

Relationships

friend, spouse, significant other, boss, co-worker

The important thing to remember about relationships is that you are bringing all of you together with all of each person you associate with, shadows and baggage included. Whether it’s a significant other in the matrimonial sense, co-workers in a job, partners and clients in a business or fellow volunteers in a charity organization.

A harmonious relationship takes two just as a conflicted one does and how your relationship thrives or dissolves will depend on how you handle the conflict, and that’s where meditation helps immensely.

Cards on the table

This is fine if everyone’s agreed that you’re just two or more ships passing in the night, but it is imperative that you know yourself extremely well in all areas of your life if you’re in it for the long-term. Why? Because the more comfortable people become with each other over long periods of time together the more they let their hair down, literally and proverbially.

Literally, meaning they stop shaving their face and legs in becoming lax in their clean cut appearance, where proverbially they let ‘it’ all hang out. ‘It’ meaning their true nature of judgement and desire to control that stems from childhood conditioning and prejudices that they were vulnerable in believing on a subconscious level.

Let go of the baggage first

Too often baggage from the past that has been suppressed for a long time will explode in someone’s face, and all the masks come off at once. If you truly desire a long-term romantic relationship, get rid of your own baggage to the best of your current ability. Then, make sure the person you want in your life for several years has done the same to the best of theirs. In any case, be prepared for growth because it is a personal thing first and then a couple thing.

One way to tell if someone is holding onto their baggage of misery from a past relationship is they will bad-mouth their former partner to you, or talk about them all the time. At this point you will realize they are not over them emotionally and therefore unable to love you in a mature manner, so you can politely disengage and rethink your relationship with this person.

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